Permission to Emote.

It's Monday night, the day after Kobe Bryant's helicopter crashed and killed him, along with 8 others. As usual, social media is divided: a group that is sad and mourning an icon from their childhood, a group that says as he was alleged to have committed sexual crimes he doesn't need to be mourned, and yet a third who are outraged that people are morning a basketball player when you COULD and SHOULD be mourning your lost military, etc.

There's also a smaller much more inclusive 4th group. The ones who were raised by abusers or narcissists. The ones who don't know if it's okay to show emotion, because they're not sure if it's ridiculous to be sad over a person from the tv, or if they should keep it to themselves. The ones who have been belittled for having feelings so much in the past, for daring to show human emotions on anything deemed less than necessary (by of course, the abuser/narcissist), and for daring to show less than adequate emotion when the abuser/narc decided it was time to show off.

How do you mourn when you've been told your tears make you look like a fool? That your vocalizing an emotion other than that of "blank space", the spot where your abuser/narcissist leaves you until they dictate the emotion and response that THEY choose for you is "ridiculous and childish"? How do you justify the fact that your heart is breaking for a wife and mother that you don't even know when you can hear that same voice in the back of your head "You're being stupid. They have more money than sense, stop being stupid, they don't care."

Because I can hear that familiar voice, as I have so many times in the past. Telling me to quite "carrying on" and act like I have some raising. I can hear that voice, accusing me of mental problems because of a void of emotion when that person deemed it needed.

If anybody else is out there that also has that voice that checks them anytime anything that requires emotion or emotional response, I'm here to tell you: you're ALLOWED to be sad, indifferent, mad, hysterical, HOWEVER you WANT to feel, you're ALLOWED TO FEEL THAT WAY. You don't have to check your emotions at the door. You don't have to force yourself into a frenzy of anger or sadness that isn't there. You are the boss. You are in charge. They don't have that control anymore. You do.