The Broken Record That is Susan.

And so the broken record plays on. I'm not particularly in the mood to reread or rewrite to make some sense of Susan's latest spiral down the rabbit hole of no return. It's literally the same mess she's been spewing for 4 years now-I'm cruel, heartless, and unable to emote. She worries for my children's safety because I am not human enough to have emotions and needs geared towards my maternal family, and threw out a badly misspelled "psychopath". I'm lazy, and I force my husband to do my bidding. I don't know how to cook, and my house is filthy. She's pretty convinced that another CPS call (she is aware of my new state) will help her win her 'babies' (two of whom she has NEVER met). My dad and aunt are paying for my bills, and for my kids' stuff. I should have never had kids if I couldn't pay for them. And on. and on. and on. 

She also threw in there that her friend, who is a guidance counselor at the school district my child would have been in if we still lived there, told her I had not registered my oldest for class as of yet (deadline is passed) so she informed me I'll be going to jail for truancy. And of course, had to ask how dumb I am, to do something like that (we're homeschooling). 

I'm just tired. Another letter for the fuck you pile. 

Permission to Emote.

It's Monday night, the day after Kobe Bryant's helicopter crashed and killed him, along with 8 others. As usual, social media is divided: a group that is sad and mourning an icon from their childhood, a group that says as he was alleged to have committed sexual crimes he doesn't need to be mourned, and yet a third who are outraged that people are morning a basketball player when you COULD and SHOULD be mourning your lost military, etc.

There's also a smaller much more inclusive 4th group. The ones who were raised by abusers or narcissists. The ones who don't know if it's okay to show emotion, because they're not sure if it's ridiculous to be sad over a person from the tv, or if they should keep it to themselves. The ones who have been belittled for having feelings so much in the past, for daring to show human emotions on anything deemed less than necessary (by of course, the abuser/narcissist), and for daring to show less than adequate emotion when the abuser/narc decided it was time to show off.

How do you mourn when you've been told your tears make you look like a fool? That your vocalizing an emotion other than that of "blank space", the spot where your abuser/narcissist leaves you until they dictate the emotion and response that THEY choose for you is "ridiculous and childish"? How do you justify the fact that your heart is breaking for a wife and mother that you don't even know when you can hear that same voice in the back of your head "You're being stupid. They have more money than sense, stop being stupid, they don't care."

Because I can hear that familiar voice, as I have so many times in the past. Telling me to quite "carrying on" and act like I have some raising. I can hear that voice, accusing me of mental problems because of a void of emotion when that person deemed it needed.

If anybody else is out there that also has that voice that checks them anytime anything that requires emotion or emotional response, I'm here to tell you: you're ALLOWED to be sad, indifferent, mad, hysterical, HOWEVER you WANT to feel, you're ALLOWED TO FEEL THAT WAY. You don't have to check your emotions at the door. You don't have to force yourself into a frenzy of anger or sadness that isn't there. You are the boss. You are in charge. They don't have that control anymore. You do.

Susan and the Hemorrhoid I developed to ruin her life.

A quick background: I have always been a picky eater. Textures, smells, etc all bother me. After I had my second child I was diagnosed with ARFID and as a supertaster, and life suddenly made sense. I still don't eat a lot of things and can go 2 or 3 days without food before getting hungry. It's just my thing.

So, with that being said, this occurred when Susan was still married to my dad. She was of the idea that I was just being a stubborn kid (she didn't allow me BREAD till I was a teen because I would get fat, come on), and would often come up with stupid new shit to try on me (like eggplant casserole??) and then would make me sit at the table until I finished, which NEVER HAPPENED.

When I was about 7, I noticed some blood on the tissue when I wiped. I was scared to death and told Susan, who ruled it a hemorrhoid, and then screamed at me for an hour because "I caused this!" and it was going to "take up time and money!" and hemorrhoids happen when you 'don't eat vegetables, and if you don't start eating them you're going to end up not able to poop and your stomach will have to be pumped and you'll have to wear a BAG! And everyone will laugh at you!"

So, instead of taking her 7 year old with a hemorrhoid to a doctor or offering preparation H or a tucks pad or something, she made me feel like it was all my fault (and I actually would go as long as I could as a kid without eating because I didn't want to poop and hurt).

When I called her out on it when I was pregnant with my oldest, she laughed and said "well, you'll learn that us mothers have to do what we can to make our lives easier."

No. Just.... No.

Money is more important than Memories.

 Growing up, we wanted for nothing when we were with my dad, and Susan would sell anything she could get her hands on. Clothes, toys, dolls, you name it, it would be stuck in a garage sale immediately after we used it because she wanted that MONEY.

When I was a young teen I went to a friend's house. I was freezing has I wasn't expecting to spend the night so her mom told her to grab me "whatever sweatshirt I wanted". And... I learned for the first time that people KEPT THINGS that brought them joy. Her mom had a dresser full of college sweatshirts. Another friends' mom had throw blankets and quilts galore. As I became a mom, my eyes were opened to others passing down their toys and clothes from their childhood to their kids.

I don't even have many of my pictures from growing up, and while I didn't know better in my teen years, as a MOTHER, that's alarming.

Who is evil enough to do such a thing? To be more obsessed with 'money' and a 'clean house' than your kids' memories?

Susan thinks I'm stupid.

Susan thinks I'm stupid.

She's done her damnedest to try and make it be known she's "moving". She began in November, sending my dad texts and leaving voicemails to my brother saying she was moving out of the state BEFORE Christmas and to be sure to "let us know" so we feel "safe" to go home for Christmas.

Spoiler: we didn't go home for Christmas. And, because Susan insists that EVERYONE hates me and is just trying to get something from me, she refuses to believe that MAYBE, just maybe, I still talk to relatives on her side.

Of course, not one soul knows of her moving. Her husband is still patrolling the streets of my podunk hometown. Her stupid little car that's the only one in the entire town is still spotted often enough by friends who go out of their way to avoid her. And yet she's still carrying on that she MOVED STATES just so I could stop being a brat and go home.

Yeah, no.

We moved, again. Even further away. It's a 5 hour plane ride, a 21 hour car drive.  I live relatively remotely, where you can go out on my balcony and watch the snow fall and hear the coyotes howl. While I still don't have PEACE, I feel somewhat safe. Like I'm not currently in the fishbowl. I'm sure that'll change quickly enough.

Susan and my contagious shoulder

Not too terribly long ago, I wrote about Susan making up fake ailments and forgetting who she assigned each illness or diagnosis too... Even saying her and my grandmother were both going blind in the exact same eye I had been told I'm going blind in (all a few months apart, and all conveniently forgotten in due time). You can find that here.

Well, a few days ago (4? 5?) after 4 days of excruciating pain in my shoulder, I was told I have a torn rotator cuff and would need to 1) be put in a sling 2) go see a orthopedist 3) discuss surgery.

Well, I have a LOT of little kids and am in the process of moving AGAIN, so slinging it wasn't an option and I wasn't going to see an ortho in THIS state, then turn around and have to find a new one in the new state.

Now, I am somewhat locked down on the book of faces. I know my friends on there, and have Susan blocked (She does have a plentiful supply of fake profiles to keep check on my "public" things). Well, a friend had tagged me in a local BST group's post about a black Friday sale, and I'd commented back (it's a large group from back home) that 1) I wouldn't be in the state on Black Friday, and 2) I had a torn rotator cuff and was in a sling.

Imagine my surprise when today my cousin messaged me, bewildered, because apparently Susan had "had surgery on her shoulder", but hadn't told anybody till after the fact (she loves attention, so odd). She just called folks and said she was "home from her surgery!" And nobody even knew she was HAVING surgery. On her SHOULDER?

I guess my ailments are "catching" even from 800 miles away.

My heart is broken.

364 days ago, I gave birth to my son Joseph at 17 weeks pregnant. He lived for almost 2 hours, and then passed.

I'm no stranger to miscarriage or loss. I've had many. But, he was my latest term loss. I'd made it past the "danger" zone. I'd started buying things for him. The day before he was born, I had ordered him a matching Christmas stocking because I knew I'd want everyone to match for Christmas 2019.

His birth was traumatic and very much still plays in my head. I'd gone to the ER because I was 99% sure my water had broke. They'd agreed, my water had broke. They agreed, I was having contractions. Every two minutes. They also said he had a strong heartbeat and sometimes the water seals itself back off. So go home, he would call me in some pain meds.

I'd went to Hobby Lobby to grab a pack of ornaments while waiting for my meds because I'd promise the kids to put the tree up the following day. I had to keep stopping, I was cramping like the worst period I'd had (I have endometriosis so this wasn't a stretch) and it made me lose my breath. I'd asked my husband to pull over at a gas station because I had to use the bathroom. Then, 47 minutes after being discharged from the hospital, I gave birth to my son in my bathroom. The rest was a blur of ambulances and firetrucks and firemen and being carted back to the hospital where they took my son's hand and foot prints for a keepsake for me, then of course, calling the funeral home and the sort.

I've spent the past 364 days wondering. Hoping. Wishing. There was a giant hole in my heart and it hurt. Everyone said it'd get better. It'd hurt less.

After 364 days, I'm here to tell you it hurts just as bad as it did then. I've moved across the country. I have 3 kids under 6. I threw myself into meal planning, and my kids, and planning outfits for them and fun activities, and just generally anything and everything I could to escape from my own mind. And you know what? It. Still. Hurts. I guess it always will.


364 days later, I have a hole in my heart and it hurts. It hasn't gotten less painful. It hasn't gotten easier to stomach. It's there and my heart is broken.....

The Snow Means Susan Will Leave Me Alone.

As I type this, it's pouring snow. We've gotten a solid 6 inches and it's still coming. Everything is white, and I love it.

It's a common enough occurrence here, but home? Home is one of those places that if it gets under 32 degrees people are running around and buying out the milk and bread for "milk sandwiches" as those of us who worked in the Emergency Dept joked for years. Wrecks everywhere at the sign of ice. Power out. You get the drift.

So, when I first cut Susan off, the rare sign of ice and snow would mean for THAT day and maybe a few others, I wouldn't have to worry over a welfare check. I wouldn't have to worry about her bringing friends or preachers or who have you to bang on my door. I wouldn't have to worry about CPS, because for one day, the safety of others was probably more important than Susan's lies.

So the sign of snow falling and a blanket of white everywhere is soothing to me. This is my second winter in "northern" states (the first was 1900ish miles from home) but it just wrapped me up in a blanket of comfort when I caught sight of it. And when I went out to grab the kids happy meals (the horror, I'm probably going to gain weight and go to hell for those happy meals, if we left it to Susan), I was calm, not looking over my shoulder, not on edge... Just CALM.

It's strange that such a small thing, a normal weather occurrence has such a positive meaning for me. Therapy (who is who suggested I write these things out) doesn't do that for me. Anxiety pills don't do that for me. I will probably always been on edge until the day Susan croaks, but for now I have a night of calm, with my house blanketed in snow.

Just a thought tonight. I have a lot on my mind, but this is what came to mind first when I decided to sit down at my computer tonight.

Susan Decides The Only Way To Defeat the Wicked is to Bring in a Holy Man

*Disclaimer- Susan has been cut off for almost 4 years now. 1000% no contact. She is still actively stalking and harassing, but she is greeted with silence. We have been unsuccessful in recieving a restraining order or subsequent charges (such as harassment and stalking) because of her husband's role within law enforcement. We move often so have not stayed in any state long enough to gain residency (as we are always told to file for an RO or OOP within our state of residency.)

 

 

So, Susan is religious when it can me spun in her favor, and her mother, my JNGM, is super super religious. JNGM spends her days looking up scriptures on how you should honor your mommy and writing letters to me and my brother about how we're going to go to hell if we don't let mommy control our lives again. She even told my brother it was "too late for me, as I'm going to burn for all eternity, but she could still save my kids!"

 

I'm not religious, at all. Sometimes I wonder if I'd like to be, but after years of religion being used to demonize me, I am hesitant to turn to any religion because I find it really hard to grasp that any diety would support such immoral and evil people as my maternal family. Of course when I backed away from religion, pre-cut off, Susan and JNGM didn't give a flying rat's ass, but AFTER the cut off? Oh goodness, I might has well have said I was out killing goats to sacrifice at an alter to Satan and forcing my child to help me. "Not religious" = Satanic, in case you're wondering. This was news to me.

 

Susan would send me messages weekly asking me to "set" my child out the front door in church attire as she wanted to take my daughter (1.5 at the time) to church to save her soul. I ignored her. She's messaged book of faces friends of mine to tell them that "she raised me in church" and isn't sure why I was no longer religious, but "she hates that I turned so evil". I went to church with my grandma because i'd spend most saturday nights that weren't my dad's time over there by myself because my poor brother needed "alone time" with Susan (he's the GC.) Oh, and that year that she made us go every Wednesday and Sunday because she was "over" stepdad refusing to get a divorce and she wanted to go to their "great singles group". That's the extent of my " being raised in church."

 

Susan tried to use one of my (many, many, many years prior) children's directors to "help her save me.". He noped out of that. Then, she began using my grandma's preacher. These fools drove around my LOCKED GATE in my driveway down a huge hill that had a severe incline (the space was TINY. I don't see how she squeezed a car in, but she did) to come and bang on my front and back doors so the preacher could try and talk to me about Jesus wanting me to hand my life and kids back over to mommy.

 

So, I wasn't too surprised when I finally got an email from this preacher, who I suppose was pretty annoyed that he was not being allowed in my house or spoken to.

 

"OP,

 

I just wanted to reach out to you and see how you were doing. It's been quite a while since we've seen you in church (yeah no kidding. Probably 12+ years, dude, read the room), and I know your grandmother and Mom are extremely worried about you. Your mom asked me a few times to go to your house-once with her, 2 times without-but each time we seem to miss you. Can you let me know of a good time that we can get together? I'd love to chat with you, and your mom is interested in having some mediation when it comes to ya'lls relationship.

 

Your mom and grandmother are concerned for yours and the kids' well being. I've never had the opportunity to meet your kids, but do you not think they deserve more than what they have now? A relationship with Christ is essential in raising small children to learn and love the Lord. Your family has expressed worry that you've lost your faith. Your mother's also extremely worried about your well being and the kids' well being in general; she has expressed many concerns about cleanliness and a lack of proper nutrition? If you'd be so inclined to join us, we are having a cooking class at the fellowship hall in March. Just give my office a call to set things up.

 

Please, think of reaching out to your family, or of course, myself.

 

I will leave you with some Bible verses to mull things over. I wish you a wonderful Sunday.

 

(15 fucking Bible verses but this one stood out: Wisdom is with the aged, and understanding in the length of days. Job, 12:12)-Preacher"

 

Because I was tired and annoyed and probably pregnant at the time (i don't really remember but I'm pregnant a lot and my fuse is much shorter when I'm with child lol), I didn't type a word, just sent the guy screenshots of what my mom had commented on an anonymous blog of mine. (here). He replied back within an hour.

 

"OP,

I have read the screenshots you sent me. While some of it doesn't make sense, and I know your mother has some health issues, I do think she comes from a place of love with all of those messages.

 

I know she's personally expressed that her and Grandmother are concerned over the fact that you don't cook and the grandkids are living off fast food and other unhealthy choices when your husband isn't there to provide nourishment. They've also expressed concern over the fact you don't seem to do much housekeeping and have told me many times they've offered to help, or to take the kids so you may clean. They're at the point of wanting to reach out further to social services in chances their concerns will be taken seriously, which is why I decided to reach out to you myself. We all know the last time they chose that method it only further angered you.

 

Please, consider reaching out to them, or even the church for assistance in getting things back how they're supposed to be.

 

Enjoy the rest of your Sunday."

 

So, yeah, there it is. Nothing screams "Southern Baptist Sunday Adventures" like your batshit mom having her preacher send a letter lecturing you on eating fast food and "cleaning your house" (he'd never been in my house or seen inside).

 

A few days later Susan blew me up on every platform she could find, whining that I was so rude and made her look bad for ignoring her poor preacher. Not sure what she expected, me to rush to her house to hand her my kids and borrow a Bible? I'm not sure what she was expecting Him to do, exorcise me? Bathe me in holy water? Who KNOWS.

Susan and Christmas (Susan Thinks My Kids are "sad" for wanting Christmas gifts)

*Disclaimer- Susan has been cut off for almost 4 years now. 1000% no contact. She is still actively stalking and harassing, but she is greeted with silence. We have been unsuccessful in receiving a restraining order or subsequent charges (such as harassment and stalking) because of my stepdad's role within law enforcement.

Susan and Christmas is a sore subject. When she was married to my dad, my aunt and dad spent $$$$ to make sure we had an awesome Christmas and got most, if not everything on our lists. And as we grew, my dad and aunt kept up that position. We made a list, we got the list and a few surprises.

 

This irked Susan to all end. She insisted they were trying to one up her, and make her look bad. She couldn't buy us anything, because THEY bought it all. One time, to shut her up, my dad gave her $500 a kid for christmas at her house. Let's just say the situation didn't improve.

 

Susan buying gifts is the weirdest thing. She buys things you've never heard of and certainly never voiced you might want. Like for Christmas when I was 16ish and had my own truck: eyelashes for my truck. What? Had i ever voiced that truck eyelashes were my thing? But it was always things like that. Random stuff that made you go huh?

 

As we grew into adults, Susan didn't get any better. The Christmas I was pregnant with my first, Susan made a long status and TAGGED ME IN IT that her and my stepdad weren't buying Christmas presents except for the kids who were still in school or college, and then the ones who had grandkids and of course the grandkids gifts. Out of SEVEN of us, guess who was the only one who didn't have kids, or wasn't in school any longer? yeah....

 

Now, to backtrack a little, Susan, who I moved out of her house at 14 and in with my dad because she's a narcissist, spent my entire childhood/teenage years complaining that my dad and aunt spoiled us, we got everything we wanted and that's not right, we shouldn't get new clothes, etc, we didn't need this, we didn't need that, we need to tell them no, etc. I'd stepped way back and only include her in my life once or twice every two or three months, but her sister recently died before this next scenario so we'd seen more of her that month with Halloween too, than we usually do. I had to restrict her on facebook, because she's now starting this with me again... Concerning my husband now-'you need to tell DH that you don't want that, you don't need that, you don't need anything new, you need to stop spending, if you have that much extra money send it this way, etc" and the same with DD- She's going to be a brat, you're spoiling her, you need to stop buying her clothes, she doesn't need anymore, she has too many toys". She's also mad that my aunt, who was way more of a mom than her from 14-till now, is with DD everyday, and gets her things, etc. SO what? Susan was the only one that was making a big deal out of any of it.

 

So, the first Christmas I was a mother, Susan posted the following on her book of faces. Which made me see red. I didn't comment, on it though.

 

 

"Christmas is coming {already}. What do you get kids under 7 that already have everything they want? That means girls and boys, they get everything they want all thru the year making it hard to get something the special on a special day. But kids are so spoiled along with some of the younger parents they want a gift in that hand. Sad"

 

Enter her hoard of flying monkeys telling her not the buy the spoiled brats a thing! Read them the CHRISTMAS STORY, blah blah blah. I started pulling away, hard. She wasn't going to put DD in the same bubble she'd put me, telling me I'm a spoiled brat that didn't deserve anything. She gave DD a $5 doggie shaped flash light with the tag still on it, DH a $1 pair of Dollar Tree work gloves (tag still on) and me a too small infinity scarf with a $3 tag and a windchime of elephants with a $5 tag on it (I hate windchimes and Susan is well aware of this, because she collects them and it triggers me from when I lived with her. Also, my entire house was done in owls. So, to be handed an elephant windchime is just letting me know she gives 0 shits about me, i should be more like her.) And you know what? I LOVE the dollar tree. I'm fine with ANYTHING, but the gifts she gave just showed that either she 1) didn't know anything about us or 2) didn't give a flying fuck. Probably both. (and as we opened these my brother, who was grown and in college in his 20's, opened a drone, a chrome cast thing, about $250 worth of art supplies, and a leather jacket.)

 

The next Christmas was the beginning of the cut off. I'd put her in a time out and asked for her to respect said time out both when I'd done it and when I told her 'heads up, I'm pregnant, but I still think we need a break.'... Instead of respecting that, my mom and grandmother pulled in behind me as I pulled into my aunts driveway and blocked me in on Christmas day and demanded I hand over my daughter then both cried big tears "she doesn't even know usssss!" which were promptly dried up when they began to discuss that baby #2 was a boy, I was my mom made over and of course baby #2 was a boy since it was due 2.5 years after DD1, and that's how it was with my brother after me. (DD2 is a girl).

 

I haven't physically seen my mother within 10 feet of me since that day. Every year around christmas she takes to the emails, and letters, and social media posts about how it's PATHETIC her daughter will spoil her kids and even have christmas cards done but won't even speak to her own mother. And usually it'll come up that I'm probably raising brats to be just like me.

 

I was actually sent a screenshot tonight of a rant from her about how it's not fair she can't have her grandkids for Christmas Eve and morning, so that's sort of what made me laugh and write this post. Sorta petty, but whatever. Susan sucks at Christmas so it bothers her that I enjoy the holiday, is the only thing I can figure.

Conversations with Susan (and why does this stick out for me?)

*Disclaimer- Susan has been cut off for almost 4 years now. 1000% no contact. She is still actively stalking and harassing, but she is greeted with silence. We have been unsuccessful in receiving a restraining order or subsequent charges (such as harassment and stalking) because of my stepdad's role within law enforcement.

When I became a mother, I was a month away from my 23rd birthday. We'd been married 2 years, (and this was my second marriage) so we weren't exactly teen parents or still living with any of our parents. We had our own house we owned outright, we both worked, we weren't helpless little kids, in other words.

 

I'd let my mother back in after a long period of no contact before I had the baby, and she was happily rug sweeping and pretending none of her "legal" stuff like the charges that never turned out and my numerous 48 hour jail stays due to her ever happened.

 

Until I started noticing when she'd post a photo of my kid, there'd be 3 or 4 comments i could not see. Upon investigation from my husband's account, I noticed it was two cops I had blocked years before from the previous mentioned "incidents". These two men were complete assholes to me as well as sexually inappropriate OUTSIDE of the station, but completely overbearing when I was arrested. In fact, they spent 2 hours NOT talking about what they thought I'd done, but how I needed to call my mother and my stepdad and her were GREAT people.

 

Our conversation, as follows.

Me- "Now Mom, I know you know I don't like Friend1 or Friend 2."

 

Susan: "Ha well they love me."

 

Me. "Well, I don't' like them. And I don't generally share photos of DD with people I don't like."

 

Susan "They ask me about DD now and then. So you don't want me showing her photo on fb?"

 

Me: "well, not to friend1 and friend2. I do not like either of them. They do not need to have access to photos of my child."

Susan: "All I did was put her on there i fthey respond its because they are friends with me not you. But i won't put anymore on here."

 

Me. "You don't have to be like that. I just asked you to restrict those two from my daughter's photos."

 

Susan: "I don't know what you want me to say. I love Friend1, he is a good friend and he works with stepdad. We ride motorbikes together and go eat at their house so if he says something about us on her photo I don't see what it hurts. But Idk what you want me to do, I took all her photos off my FB."

 

Me. "Can't you just make a setting to where those two cannot see pictures of my daughter? I have my reasons for not liking them, and they're justified in my eyes, so it definitely irks me when I see friend1 or friend2 on DD's pics."

 

Susan-"Nah. Like I said, I love Friend1 and he's a great friend. I would rather not put her pics on that try and hide it from him. Friend2, Idk, he never comments anyway he just likes. Do you still have that girl on yours that made the comment she \some random irrlevant shit from high school*? Do you have her blocked? I'm just asking because you don't like her but I still where she comments. What's the difference? Friend1 has been a great friend and been there for me when I need him a shoulder if you will. Never mind. Don't worry about it. I just won't put her pics on fb. Not a problem. Give my granddaughter a kiss from me. Night."*

 

Me. "You know what, forget it. Forget I said anything, just do what you want. I'm trying to parent my small child and you're more concerned about your friend's feelings. Do what you want, you'll do it anyway."

 

Susan, "Ok. Look, I don't want to argue over pictures. I respect your deicion your her mom so if you don't want my friends to see my beautiful grandbaby then I won't put pics of her on. I am sorry. not a problem. I thought it was cute and didn't know you wouldn't want friend1 and friend2 seeing pictures of my granddaughter just because you don't like them."

 

Me "Mom, I don't know what you want me to say. I do not want those two seeing my kid. I have my reasons for that."

Susan: "why don'y ou like him? I am just wondering."

Me: "Because he's been inappropriate in the past with me as well as friend2."

Susan: "well she is you baby. I respect that. I do not like some of their friends and their dumb comments but I haven't said anything because they your friends. I just wanted to keep a stink down is all. Friend1 is a good man. He has changed for the good and would do anything he could for you and brother. FRiend2, I could care less. It's not choosing him over my grandbaby its just not wanting to cause an issue at all. It kinda hurts my feelings you can't respect my feelings about him tho because he has always been a good to us and I really like him. I don't expect you to like all my friends just like you know i don't like any of yours but I would not ask you to restrict your friends from seeing DD. Friend1 is like a brother and I hate you feel that at him. I am just trying to keep a problem from rising again. That is all. Do you just not want him saying anything at all about her? in any photo's?"

 

Me. "Mom, he treated me like shit, like an object and a subhuman. I don't let my child be around people that act that way and FB is an extension of that. In other words if I don't let people see her normally, why would I let them see her online?"

 

Susan- "I haven't heard he treated you badly except if it was when you were in jail and that was to teach you a lesson. Like I said I respect your dicision. So I am just wanting to kee them at a minion. But just so you know, friend one has never ever said anything about you law wise except you needed to slow your roll and maybe being scared straight would help which is why we made some deicions if that's what you're saying. He has however asked how you and the baby are doing, just an fyi. Friend2 is a know it all and I do not like his wife. He friended me a few months ago and I think it was to be nosey. He's a smart ass. They're nothing alike. Friend1 wont run his mouth and would give you the shirt off his back. Friend2 would tell the world and sale you the shirt if you needed it. Nothing at all alike. I will restrict him on her photos if you restrict \my friend* and *my friend's mom* from everything. I cannot stand her and her dumbass comments."*

 

Me: "no, mother. That's not even close to being the same."

 

Susan: "just take me off your friends list if you want to. I'm not going to argue over fb. Just send me a pic if dd1 every now and then is all i ask. I am just tired of walking on eggshells with you. Just please start letting me see DD (This was BEFORE the cut off, she saw dd every couple of weeks.) I do not like \my friend* or my friend's mom but that's YOUR business. *my friend* and Her mom hid you from me and refused to hear what I needed to say about things (I was 19, seperated and trying to get a divorce.) You was a minor, yes, anything under 21 is a minor if you're not arried and you was getting a divorce! I could have had them charged with kidnapping! That was wrong they way they did and I told Friends Mom I had the law coming for her. That's why she hid you even more. That bitch didn't need to be a mom herself because she had no rules and had no respect for me as your mom. I still want to claw her eyes out. I pray you never go thru what i did with you, always trying to be around people and never wanting to come around to your own mother in time of need. Got a feeling it's gonna happen tho so good luck."*

 

Me. "No, because I know what not to do. And if it does, I understand that I'm not my child's only person of comfort."

 

Susan: "I am not sure what that means. It did not matter what I did you had to have your way or you'd run away to your dads. You will learn rules are there for a reason with our children. We give you rules to keep you safe and not go freaken wild. Because I had rules and your dad did not it just did not work for us. if he had been on board and be a dad and upheld my rules and not been a friend a lot of things would have turned out different with you. But those days are gone and can't be redone. Just try and remember you're going to have one just like you and you're going to see what I'm saying, get her under your thumb now or she will try and escape like you. Goes around comes around lol. Do you still hate me.?"

 

Me: "No, mom, i don't hate you. But I do remember a lot of the things that went down and it wouldn't have went the way it did if you hadn't done some of the stuff you did or insisted on being in control constantly. And I will remember that when it comes to DD."

 

Susan "I tried being your friend and still being your mom. I thought you had a great time. You always had friends over. All those sleepovers. Hell, how many of their moms took them rolling? how many of their moms had dress up at their house and sleepovers all the time? i had a few rules but the most part i do not understand what you're talking about. Your friends always told me they wished I was their mom. What did I do that you go so mad about? All i ever wanted was to be the best mom i could be and that is all I hope for you too. I just want to see you happy and us get along better, that's my wish. But it won't happen if you won't stop trying to control what I do, like whether my friends can see my granddaughter! You need to remember I am the mother and you are the child, you are not equal to me. I can still parent you, I can still spank your ass if you're being disobiedent, little girl. You need to remember that."

 

And... She was greeted with silence for a while.

 

This was about 6 months before the cut off, and all mistakes are hers. Feel free to share your opinion on this convo, because this one comes up in my head a lot when I'm going back over 'things that make my mom crazy' but my normal meter is so broken I don't know WHY.

A Collection of Letters from Susan, Chapt. 3 (More ramblings of pure crazy.)

*Disclaimer- Susan has been cut off for almost 4 years now. 1000% no contact. She is still actively stalking and harassing, but she is greeted with silence. We have been unsuccessful in receiving a restraining order or subsequent charges because of my stepdad's role within law enforcement.

These are older, as well, not present day. I will of course try and put my thoughts in parenthesis. All errors, as usual, are Susan's.



"You desurve nothing nice in this life. You have put your family thru HELL. Your husband will leave you and your kids will hate you and THEN you will wish you had your mom. Too bad you want because your a selfish bitch.



I hope you toss and turn and never get a moment of sleep again. You have earned that.



I hope you can't sleep tonight. I hope you toss and you turn. O hope your husband comes to his sinces and leaves you to figure it out as a single mom like I had to (except my dad had 50/50 custody and paid for everything. She literally did not have to pay a dime for us..) and I STILL gave you fun times, remember those sleepovers? Alimoney and child support don't pay for all those fancy things you love so much. I had to have a colonsophy (this was LONG after the 'I had to have a colonoscopy so I probably have cancer situation) and you didn't care. You wouldn't even let me see my grandbaby (She had TWO grandbabies at this time but only chose to talk about the oldest, she's never met #2). I hope you have a bad health problem so you can know how I feel. I hope you can 200 lbs and can't find a man."





"Op. I shallendge you to make yourself a better person. Let your family back in your life. Let your kids get to know their family. Stop shopping and spending money on ridikulous things. Stop going all the time. Get off your ass and learn to cook instead of eating out constantly. Stop buying toys and expensive stuff. All your teaching them is to be spoiled brats that nobody likes and to pretend to be somebody their not. (except that's what she calls me and SHE raised me for the most part. I didn't move out till 14, so where did she go so wrong? because lord knows I am EVERYTHING she is claiming my kids are going to be, in her eyes.)



You don't need a fancy car or expensive clothes or the Latest cell phone or purse to be happy you need your family. I will help you lose wait and you'll be so much happier and healthier.



There's a place in town that does free mental evals please let me take you there. You need me. I'm your mom. I'll be here when (Dh's name spelled incorrectly) is not.



I desurve respect. You think your a grown women well you need to stop and listen to what your mom is telling you and do what i say because I am older and been thru a lot more than you have and i know a thing or too.



Please get help OP."

Susan Reports Me Missing Quite Often

*Disclaimer- Susan has been cut off for almost 4 years now. 1000% no contact. She is still actively stalking and harassing, but she is greeted with silence. I have been denied a restraining order multiple times. I have a lawyer. This is just therapeutic at this point in time.

 

I decided to write about this because it came up last night (I will elaborate). I believe I've touched on it before, but, details!!

So, one of Susan's favorite control tactics is to report me missing. She's been doing this for a while and seems to enjoy the frenzy it brings. She started out sort of small (multiple book of faces pages on local buy, sell, or trade groups) and has gotten more brazen, like contacting law enforcement.

The first time was absolutely devastating for some reason. It was a normal Saturday, we'd been at a flea market and had just finished our grocery shopping. My phone all of a sudden went nuts. I was getting book of face messages, texts, posts and tags... The usual "are you okay", and "where are you? What happened" and my husband even got "praying for you!" posts/messages.

Susan had posted in no less than THIRTY local BST groups. She'd put a photo of her and my child, who was about 1 at the time of the photo, which made absolutely no sense why she'd put a photo of herself and my child on such a post.

"Missing

$1

If any body knows my daughter (full name including maiden name that I fucking haven't used in years) please tell her HER MOTHER MISSES her very much. Anything I may have said was something that had already been said. But regardless the past is just that, I forgive her and ask for her to do the same. No matter what I love my daughter, I'm not perfect but we always had a great relationship and I miss that. So if you know OP please tell her let the past go and let her mom back in her life before it's to late. I'm trying so hard to let her know I love her."

 

People I didn't even know were blowing me up. People also lack the ability to read so some assumed I was actually missing, others thought I was a non custodial parent who'd taken my daughter since there was a baby in the picture, and the ones who did read were just like wtf...

 

I just pm'd admins and others and made a private (friends only) post on my own social media that my crazy mom was full of shit, but never acknowledged her. In the past three years, though, she's gotten more thorough on her bullshit. She's called welfare checks constantly with the sheriff's department when I still lived at home. One week I had FOUR. They'd knock on the door, ask me my name and tell me to "call my mother." um, no? They'd ask to see only DD1, to verify she was "still in the state" (again, what? My kid isn't subject to any decrees or rulings keeping her within those state lines).

 

There was even a week we'd gone to the beach 6 hours away for a week and when I came back got pulled over within 5 minutes of entering my county because I had been reported missing and hadn't responded to welfare checks. (again, grown woman here. On her second marriage. was 23/24 at the time of the FIRST report sooo).

 

About a year ago, we began traveling and moved 1900 miles from home. By that time my brother was NC too, so she'd send welfare checks after him, too. But the cops were reporting back to her "the house is grown up, the doors are locked and deadbolted, it doesn't look like anybody's been there in a while" because she'd write me long, drawn out letters that first i was 1) hiding in the house like a recluse, ashamed because my husband left me 2) had "run away" with my kids (can adults run away?) and 3) fled the state, and had I told the law enforcement agencies I'd left, and was I even allowed to leave the state? I was a felon after all. (I'm not really sure what she thinks felons are supposed to do. My charge is felonious bad check, from almost a decade ago, there's not exactly a registry for that.)

 

What triggered me to recall all of this was last night's email. Of course, I won't be contacting her, but my PTSD is acting up. I despise when people knock on my door because of past experiences with her crap and have been diagnosed with mild PTSD from it. But, at least I know to expect it. I suppose this is all more of a vent than anything, thanks for sticking with me.

 

OP,

 

I've tried several times to reach out to you and have gotton no response from you. I've come to your house, but the gate is locked and there is new construction so you cannt go around the gate any further. I've tried to call but your number is not in service. This is the 4th email I have sent to no response in the past 2 weeks. If I do not here from you by November 4 2019 I will be contacting the appripriate channels within Current State 800 miles from home and Home State and reporting you missing. It is not like my daughter to go without social media and her phone so something is wrong and I hope you haven't gone off the deep end and hurt my babies.

 

I really wish that whatever it is you think I've done could be forgiven. I've apologized for anything and everything and its been 4 years. You was always my pretty girl and all i ever wanted for you was to be everuthing I knew you could be. Why do you think we had the sleepvers, the fun times, the rolling? And your throwing our relationship away over something that I don't understand. We was best friends, OP!

 

You have until the 4th to contact me to let me know you're okay or I will be contacting law enforcement in New State and Old State. And the news. It's time you let by gones be by gones.

 

I lvoe you.

 

Susan.

A Collection Of Letters From Susan: Chapt. 2 (more ramblings of crazy)

Trigger warning, death.





*Disclaimer- Susan has been cut off for almost 4 years now. 1000% no contact. She is still actively stalking and harassing, but she is greeted with silence. I have been denied a restraining order multiple times. I have a lawyer. This is just therapeutic at this point in time.

I will try and put my commentary in parenthesis and bold. All mistakes are hers.

"You need to remember the good times OP remember the sleepovers. Them you left me for your'e dads only beause him and aunt let you do whatever you want. You made up shit about (my first husband, now ex) and him abusing you just like you make up shit about me abusing you. I have been in contact with First Husband and you rooned his life like your trying to do mine. Keeping me from my grand baby is rooning my life OP I love DD unlike I have ever loved anything else. First husband is willing to sign papers saying you have lost your mental saneity even if DH won't. Its time you get help. Can I come see DD tomorrow while DH is at work. You have always had something not completely there with you but it has gotten worse lately. You always spent too much time worrying about your hair or clothes looking like other girls hair and clothes you always wanted to go on big vacations which is a waist of money and you even chose the most $$$ school in the state just to make me feel bad. what is wrong with you op why must you always spend money and why are you teeching DD to act like that too. Stop spending money. You do not need or desurve expensive clothes or vacations or need to get your hair cut or colors. if you have so much money you want to throw it away send it this way but i dout you do. When you work and keep a clean house and be humble and wear dirt cheap clothes like the rest of us then you can say you desurve it. Stop. you need to call me. grow up owen up to your mistakes and lets make this right I am older and wiser than you and know my stuff you could learn from me I am your mother." (My first husband, who I married at 18 to escape her, was abusive. He beat me and his favorite drinking game was real like russain roulette with a 38 revolver and 1 hollow point. At the time she HATED him and did everything she could to break us up, without knowing what was going on behind closed doors. As for the college thing, I did go to an expensive school, on a full scholarship. I wanted to go to HUGE SEC school in the south, but it was out of state and she pitched a royal fit. I would've saved money at the SEC school, she didn't pay a dime for anything education related. She also got really upset because she liked thrifting and going to a seconds store that was filthy called Dirt Cheap. It's not my jam at all, nothing against it, but it's just not. Before the cut off she'd comment on my pictures and say "you need to give me that shirt, you're only going to wear it one time." At no time has Susan ever supported or even gave me a dime, so... She's pretty obsessed with my money though.)



"You think Life is all about you and it is not OP there are other people that matter more than you op so you need to get over yourself and let us see dd. She is going to hate you when she grows up and wanders why she doesn't know her granny. I used to pray after you mooved out that youd one day have a daughter that was worse than you were so you would know how i feel and i hope she gives you hell we already know she is going to hate you for keeping her from her tru e family. you can keep thinkin your a great mom but you are not. I was a great mom. The sleepovers you were always happen always had a friend in and out but I never kept you from family and your a bad mom from keeping DD from family. You foxus more on stupid not important things like how DD is dressed instead of letting her know her family!!! (Her sister) is dead! (her sister's daughter, my cousin) is dead! its time to step up for your grandmother and get whatever little hissy fit your throwing and let us see our DD. Get OVER IT Op. Your a sick person your not normal you need mental help bad baby who has a baby and doesn't tell anybody or let family at the hospital thats not normal you need mental help. You think your feelings matter they don't be an adult and quit acting like a titty baby with your feelings. EVeruthng we did was for your own good. I haven't done a damn thing wrong that wasn't for YOUR OWN GOOD. YOu are just a little girl trying to play house thinking your important well your not you need your mom! Stop acting like you don't." (My cousin was a recovering alcoholic but her mom was a narc too. She wasn't speaking to her mom when she died in a car accident, and then my aunt died 18 months later of a heart attack which everyone claims was 'of a broken heart' and not eating opiates like they were candy for the better part of 30 years. I had had enough of the aunt when she told me that it should have been ME in the accident, not her daughter, and my kid should have been my cousin's, and not mine, and I was a self centered bitch who didn't feed or take care of her kid. Why would she think this? Because my MOM went to a ped appt with us and my doctor said she was healthy but petite so that = OP is starving her kid. Susan tried to deny stirring that pot, but who else would have told her anything like that?)

Susan Thinks I Purposely Make Her Look Foolish

*Disclaimer- Susan has been cut off for almost 4 years now. 1000% no contact. She is still actively stalking and harassing, but she is greeted with silence. We have been unsuccessful in receiving a restraining order.



Susan has her moments. She swears up and down she doesn't drink, or take pills, or do drugs, but in the past she's been a big fan of Xanax and Ambien chased by some wine coolers, so that's neither here nor there. I have some deep posts to make in the upcoming days (and thank you for those that stick with me) but for tonight, decided to make a light hearted post of the things Susan has said (or posted) concerning me or my kids that makes zero or very little sense to normal humans. When we talked and I'd ask her WHAT? or say it made no sense, she'd tell me I was just trying to make her look foolish, everyone else could understand.... Susan's only language is English, she's never spoke anything else, so no language barrier there. Feel free to translate, if you'd like.



Susan made a new profile on the book of faces, and shared my husband's profile picture, which was of me, my two girls, and my husband, in a woody park, 3 hours from the closest aquarium? (and a solid 2 years since she'd been involved in anything concerning me or my children). "My daughter is looking very excited. I with I had an Trinity mm Aquarium with my grandchildren one of these days but for some reason I've never been invited I would love to go and see all those sweet to the smiley faces you make it down and wanting to be just like. Then there are I'm just not sad two kids I don't ever see or talk to listen to constantly be talking to their father and there's (stepdad's name?) with" (yes, it stopped there with no ending or punctuation soooo.)



On a post I made RIGHT before I cut her off for good, about mattress shopping (literally, husband and I looked at mattresses and would be going to a bigger store the next day.) "Now Who in this great world of technology what will such a thing." and "Forgive my statement not meant to make a foolish area in my words". Then I messaged her saying they didn't make sense, and I got "I did and make mistakes. Just trying to make a statement, not and argument. Technology goes a long way so with that said there should not have been such a mistake on her issues like her nose, whomever it might me. forget it. I delete it. Don't won't you making me feel foolish. I won't response again."





Random FB comment under a photo of what I'd cooked for supper (yes, I'm THAT person lol). "Do you ever have foots you don't us 9we are sucked dry on money.. no.. money... to by anything other doctor billds and insruances killing. Thansk 2 we are broke. 300 in bank and no food n cab inetted. maybe an over sdart. But we'll figure figure something out. No. Monry in bank bit well2 figut somehyning out."



Under a photo of my kid on a swing, "Op, I cute. At doc! Left Brother saluting opinions. For hamburgers." (For some reason this makes me cry with laughter. Really. All I could imagine is my brother, saluting random opinions on hamburger joints and I could. not. stop. laughing.)



Random email, after the cut off... "I know fun watching us with them than watching you try come petie with the upper clato the side pissies me owhole timeff the ss that kept you, love mom."



Another random email, after the cut off, "I'm not fusing rado catles. I think i'm gonna love it at grandma the androide here by the male and i think i gonna love it. I'll maje sure he there. (Dh's name) hats visits go outside my baby fujdge him."



A comment on my blog, 3+ years after cut off and 3+ years since I'd so much as said boo to the woman, "LEAVE MEALONE! STOP MAKING MELOOK FOR YOU! (Well, there's some English). I HUNGARY, (I wish you were, but you probably are not aware that's a country) I TRIED, I SICK AND TRIED OF YOUR BULLSHITE! LOSE THE WAIT! CALL YOU!"