My heart is broken.

364 days ago, I gave birth to my son Joseph at 17 weeks pregnant. He lived for almost 2 hours, and then passed.

I'm no stranger to miscarriage or loss. I've had many. But, he was my latest term loss. I'd made it past the "danger" zone. I'd started buying things for him. The day before he was born, I had ordered him a matching Christmas stocking because I knew I'd want everyone to match for Christmas 2019.

His birth was traumatic and very much still plays in my head. I'd gone to the ER because I was 99% sure my water had broke. They'd agreed, my water had broke. They agreed, I was having contractions. Every two minutes. They also said he had a strong heartbeat and sometimes the water seals itself back off. So go home, he would call me in some pain meds.

I'd went to Hobby Lobby to grab a pack of ornaments while waiting for my meds because I'd promise the kids to put the tree up the following day. I had to keep stopping, I was cramping like the worst period I'd had (I have endometriosis so this wasn't a stretch) and it made me lose my breath. I'd asked my husband to pull over at a gas station because I had to use the bathroom. Then, 47 minutes after being discharged from the hospital, I gave birth to my son in my bathroom. The rest was a blur of ambulances and firetrucks and firemen and being carted back to the hospital where they took my son's hand and foot prints for a keepsake for me, then of course, calling the funeral home and the sort.

I've spent the past 364 days wondering. Hoping. Wishing. There was a giant hole in my heart and it hurt. Everyone said it'd get better. It'd hurt less.

After 364 days, I'm here to tell you it hurts just as bad as it did then. I've moved across the country. I have 3 kids under 6. I threw myself into meal planning, and my kids, and planning outfits for them and fun activities, and just generally anything and everything I could to escape from my own mind. And you know what? It. Still. Hurts. I guess it always will.


364 days later, I have a hole in my heart and it hurts. It hasn't gotten less painful. It hasn't gotten easier to stomach. It's there and my heart is broken.....