Susan and CPS: The Reason I have PTSD

*Disclaimer- Susan, my batshit narc of a mother, has been cut off for almost 4 years now. 1000% no contact. Susan is still actively stalking and harassing, but she is greeted with silence.

I was huge, pregnant, and raising a 2.5 year old. Susan had been cut off for about 6 months. I was taking a shower and heading out to my 36 week appt when I heard a knock on my door.

CPS was there. I cracked the door open, in my towel, and said "i have a doctor's appt in *Town an hour away* in an hour and a half. I can't miss it. You'll have to come back." She started to argue with me, so I told her she could come with me, then, but I wasn't missing my OBGYN appt. She said she'd come back 'tomorrow' (it was a Friday.)..

I went to my appt and my blood pressure was high but they told me to stay off my feet. I went back home and immediately started deep cleaning while crying my eyes out. Susan had told CPS my child (who she hadn't seen in MONTHS) had "bumps and bruises" and my house was filthy. It wasn't. But I wasn't taking any chances.

By the time my husband made it home at 8pm, I was having full blown contractions. He was trying to convince me to go to the hospital. I was telling him, no, I can't do that, if i'm not here for CPS they'll come take my child. I was forced to go to the hospital, but tried calling the CPS office and all it would say is "they're closed through monday". I left a note on my door.

Long story short, they spent all weekend trying to to stop my labor, and it didn't work. So bright and early that Monday morning I was booked for my repeat c-section. They did FOUR spinal blocks, which none of them took because "stress" and "adrenaline" (what the doctors kept saying) and ended up putting me under to have the baby. I spent 4 (more) days in the hospital and got 6 bags of blood in that time. The entire time Susan was blowing up EVERYBODY'S phone. Sending messages saying she knows i had her the insurance says so. She saw her (she tried to sneak into the nursery and was removed) and the baby looks just like her, she hopes she gives me hell. I'm a horrible person. She has car seats and formula for her and my oldest because CPS was going to take my kids. Calls from Security saying there's a woman wanting in. Calls from Security saying they removed a woman saying she was *my daughter's* mother. I really wasn't comfortable going home after day 4 because I just felt miserable but that's all insurance would pay for. So home I went.

I got home at 9pm on Thursday. I was up ALL night with the baby and at 8 am on Friday CPS and two sheriff's deputies were banging on my door. She was "prepared to remove the kids" because I wasn't there when I said i was going to be there (the Saturday before). I explained to her I'd just had a baby. Showed her said baby. Offered to show her my c-section scar. Showed her the bruises from my IVs, my discharge papers. Showed the deputies the SIGN I HAD LEFT FOR HER. It had my phone # on it. She'd never tried to call. They told her it's obvious i tried. So then she backed off and wanted to walk through my house.

She complained there was "clutter" in my hallway. (4 bags/suitcases). I said yes, we just got back from the hospital, literally last night. IT NEEDS TO BE PUT AWAY IT'S not safe for a CHILD! She complained that there was clean laundry waiting to be folded on my couch (i'd left it there before I went to the hospital). There could be something dangerous on the couch, and children couldn't see it because the clothes. (I was sitting there looking at her like she lost her mind). The deputy (who i knew), bit. He said "What would be under the clothes?" She said "I don't know, a razor blade or something." I told her, well, I don't keep razor blades under my clean laundry, but I'll put it away shortly. I just had surgery. I'm supposed to be on bed rest. The CPS lady said "I know your husband makes a lot of money. Have him hire somebody to clean up the CLUTTER! The bags need to go. No dirty dishes! (There was two bottles, a sippy cup, and an empty tupperware in the sink. From the NIGHT BEFORE. I swear, I still have the pictures to this day of how it looked). That's not good for CHILDREN! No laundry except folded and put away. The kids deserve no clutter! She'd grant me grace and give me 7 days to "declutter" and she'd be back. If it wasn't to her standards, she'd take the kids.

The deputy was standing there looking like she'd lost her damn mind. He asked if she had kids. Nope, but it's common knowledge that clutter is unsafe.

She needed a copy of my DL #, so I went to get it. I heard him ask "how do you know her husband's income?" and she said "well, *stepdad's name*...." Suddenly it made sense. of course my stepdad and mother had cps contacts.

The deputy pulled me aside after she got in her car. He told me to do my best and he'd be coming back with her but he was also going to talk with the sheriff about what had been said/done.

I deep cleaned that damn house. I scrubbed like i'd never scrubbed before. There was no dirt, dirty clothes, or used dishes ANYWHERE to be found... I also tore my incision open, which required antibiotics and a few extra stitches... And then the day CPS was supposed to come came/went. At 6pm that night she sent a message from the a cell phone (it was registered to CPS, though). saying to send her a picture of my living room, and a "second visit wouldn't be necessary".

Hmm.

And that's the story (very condensed) of my second child's birth and why I have diagnosed PTSD surrounding it. I fought the diagnosis at first, because in MY mind PTSD is reserved for someone who's been through terrible trauma or abuse or war, and I was not fitting in that category. But two different professionals have told me that's what they believe me to have, so I am not fighting it anymore.

I still have panic attacks when someone knocks unexpectedly on my door. I have mind numbing fear when a cop car passes my driveway. I cried for a half an hour last week when a JW knocked on my door in a fancy suit and a clipboard (but was handing out pamphlets). I can't sleep if my house is not show room worthy. I've gone 49 hours without sleep before because of this.

Therapy has helped. But it's still slow going.

Thanks for reading.